Last second Post - Advice

I am a bit late for this post, so I will leave a short bit of advice for all those who need it:

Always keep your friends close and close your friend's keep.

Show a good time to your love, but love a good time at the show.

Be kind to sick passersby, and also kick the signs that pass...uh...sorry, got nothing there.

Beat the Monday morning blues by beating someone...no, that's not right.

Ignore stupid advice from the internet or you will stupidly advise the internet of your ignorance.


Hey this is pretty easy...I wonder if you could get a job doing this.

China declares war on sex

China bans sexual sounds

Push-up bras banned in China

In a country with no shortage of babies and baby-making libidos, China has begun a subtle and clever war to eliminate sex completely. You thought the U.S. declaring war on a concept ("terrorism") was innovative and groundbreaking, the Chinese have said "suck on this a one time, budddyyy" by declaring war on human reproduction.

First they banned sound. This is government taking charge, don't you think? I'm not sure what they're going to do over there if they can't make any sounds. All sorts of new problems will begin. They'll be banning all sounds, you see, because while one person's "oh! oh! Oh!!!" may cause a stir in the loins, another person may be more turned on by short staccato bursts of air that sound like a hamster giggling. You may not find a car horn to be sexy, but where do you think they got the term auto erotica, huh?

And so, inevitably, China will become more and more silent, until people are afraid to even walk for fear that someone somewhere might get torqued up by squeaky shoes.

And now, while they are trying to figure out whether there's use for phones anymore, they won't be able to wear bras either. I have to admit some confusion here since uncovered breasts might make things a bit worse. At least it does over here in the U.S. Maybe they don't look at that part of the female anatomy.

Or maybe the next headline we'll read is "Chinese are banned from looking at boobs."

Witchdoctor Caught at Poll Tribunal

Witchdoctor Caught at poll tribunal

This is what happens with people who don't know what they're doing. Allow me to explain.

"Nigerian police have arrested a witchdoctor employed by a politician to perform rituals at an election tribunal, local media reported Thursday."

Mistake #1: "Witchdoctor" is a politically incorrect term. The politician in question is going to look pretty silly saying "My witchdoctor has adviced me to skewer my opponent with sharp pins...er, ha ha!...I mean, skewer my opponent's voodoo doll with sharp pins." Instead, they should call them what we call them here in the United States: lobbyist, political consultant, or Karl Rove.

"Officers caught Oluwole Abiodun Wednesday at the court building in southwestern Ondo state with charms and copies of the Bible and Koran in a black plastic bag."

Mistake #2: The Bible and the Koran? What kind of self-respecting witchdoctor would be reading books anyway?!

"A pot containing a rabbit, seven eggs, cowrie shells and palm oil was found nearby, the state News Agency of Nigeria said."

Mistake #3: You see where the mistake was made, right? Yes, that's right. No one, I mean not even your amateur, hobbyist witchdoctor, uses palm oil in their mixtures. Standard practice, as EVERYONE knows, is to use conola oil, which is much lower in fat. It also makes the rabbit come out fluffier and with fewer unpopped kernels.

"Hundreds of cases are being heard across Nigeria to resolve disputes arising from April elections that were so heavily rigged they were deemed not credible by international observers."

Here is the only sensible part of the whole thing. When you see that an election is heavily rigged, the only right and sensible thing to do is employ someone whose first instincts in dealing with such a situation is to cook a rabbit and wave plastic beads at suspicious-looking politicians.

Or, I suppose, you could cook the politicians and wave your beads at suspicious-looking rabbits.