Police in Shorts? Dresses? Kilts? Pajamas with Little Footies?

Police Department running low on Pants

This may at first seem to be the effect of the advocates of genderlessness, which is possibly not a real word.

How else do you explain the Police, the foundation of our lawful society, the enforcers of our safe, nearly-terrorist-free democracy, the rock between our hard place, the fillings in our teeth...er, or pie maybe...and they no longer have a ready supply of pants to wear?

That's a rhetorical question, as I am about to give an answer and am unlikely to change it based on the reasoned assertions of anybody whatsoever.

Here is my thought, careful considered over the last one or two seconds: America's suppliers, Taiwan and China, are preparing to invade. Maybe Korea too.

Surprised? Yes, well, I'm very shrewd about these sorts of unlikely conspiracy theories. Consider this: If we have no pants, we can't come out of our bedrooms, much less our houses. Oh, I know there are a few guys who wander around their homes in the altogether, or maybe wearing less than that. But most will not trot on outside to give the world a better view as well.

So. If China and Taiwan and Korea (Where is Malaysia? I suspect them too) were to secretly get together and agree to create a shortage of pants, we'd be trapped in our own homes. Whole towns would instantly be deserted, churches and grocery stores (not that men go voluntarily to either of those places) would be bereft of male chromosomes, bars and football stadiums would close, online pornography would make more money than the US government. Sure we're the most heavily armed citizenry on the planet and we could probably take out any army with a monsoon of bullets and homemade incendiary devices. But do you really think any member of the NRA would run around fighting off fiendish invaders wearing their boxers with the beer cans on them?

No. No, this is the Apocalypse. I'm telling you. Better grab an extra pair of pants and hide in the basement. The end is near.