The United Person of Herb Dimbulb
This blurb appeared in the Washington Post:
Gregory Ignatius Armstrong, 42, was indicted for bankruptcy fraud in Greenbelt, Md., in December for claiming in all seriousness that he is a sovereign nation with unlimited contract powers and is thus owed $500,000 in copyright royalties by anyone who uses his name (in one case, by his Postal Service supervisor who wrote him concerning absences from work).
Doesn't this just open up a staggering number of possibilities? What if you were some unwashed, half-witted dumbass out of the boonies with a worse outlook for the future than Iraq. Barely enough brain to keep your skull from caving in. But then G. Iggy Armstrong comes along and now you see a way out of the pit your poorly equipped cranium has dug for yourself:
"I am now hereby to be addressed as 'The United Person of Herb Dimbulb, c/o Elksbrain, Arkansas'".
Herb could seek foreign aid, he could allow workers to be paid next to nothing to make sneakers, he could even attack Branson, Missouri (not far from Arkansas) and absorb it into his growing U.P.H.D. empire. He might need some help from neighbors and cousins and so forth, you know, to create a proper bureacracy, corrupt political system, and money-sucking military-industrial complex, but otherwise the upside is tremendous. Jailing and interrogating the Osmonds on charges like, say, noise pollution or killing innocent wildlife with teeth-glare, and deporting Roy Clark would be the first things on my agenda if I ruled Branson, MO. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh on the Osmonds, but I'm sorry, Roy has just got to go.
Not only that, but Herb would get political payoffs from Microsoft and Coca-Cola and General Motors and General Electric and...whoa! The dollar signs are just making my head spin. He could send himself to the Olympics. He could go on fact-finding missions to Hawaii and entertain visiting dignitaries and movie actresses at his imperial shack in the Ozark Mountains.
Herb could even, dare I say it, build a space program and launch himself at Saturn or something.
One wonders whether he will construct his Presidential Library (does he know how to write?) or who will take over when Herb retires from being a country, but, hey, that's a long time from now. Until then, he can sit back and enjoy the fruits of being The Man, impound a few Branson Dancing Girls (if 'impound' is the word I'm looking for), expand his nuclear energy/weapons cache, and add that wing to the imperial shack once more loot comes in from Exxon and Philip Morris.
I pledge allegiance to the overalls of the United Person of Herb. And to the Herb for which it stands, one Herb, under Herb, indivisible, with liberty, and justice, and premium imported beer, for Herb.
Gregory Ignatius Armstrong, 42, was indicted for bankruptcy fraud in Greenbelt, Md., in December for claiming in all seriousness that he is a sovereign nation with unlimited contract powers and is thus owed $500,000 in copyright royalties by anyone who uses his name (in one case, by his Postal Service supervisor who wrote him concerning absences from work).
Doesn't this just open up a staggering number of possibilities? What if you were some unwashed, half-witted dumbass out of the boonies with a worse outlook for the future than Iraq. Barely enough brain to keep your skull from caving in. But then G. Iggy Armstrong comes along and now you see a way out of the pit your poorly equipped cranium has dug for yourself:
"I am now hereby to be addressed as 'The United Person of Herb Dimbulb, c/o Elksbrain, Arkansas'".
Herb could seek foreign aid, he could allow workers to be paid next to nothing to make sneakers, he could even attack Branson, Missouri (not far from Arkansas) and absorb it into his growing U.P.H.D. empire. He might need some help from neighbors and cousins and so forth, you know, to create a proper bureacracy, corrupt political system, and money-sucking military-industrial complex, but otherwise the upside is tremendous. Jailing and interrogating the Osmonds on charges like, say, noise pollution or killing innocent wildlife with teeth-glare, and deporting Roy Clark would be the first things on my agenda if I ruled Branson, MO. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh on the Osmonds, but I'm sorry, Roy has just got to go.
Not only that, but Herb would get political payoffs from Microsoft and Coca-Cola and General Motors and General Electric and...whoa! The dollar signs are just making my head spin. He could send himself to the Olympics. He could go on fact-finding missions to Hawaii and entertain visiting dignitaries and movie actresses at his imperial shack in the Ozark Mountains.
Herb could even, dare I say it, build a space program and launch himself at Saturn or something.
One wonders whether he will construct his Presidential Library (does he know how to write?) or who will take over when Herb retires from being a country, but, hey, that's a long time from now. Until then, he can sit back and enjoy the fruits of being The Man, impound a few Branson Dancing Girls (if 'impound' is the word I'm looking for), expand his nuclear energy/weapons cache, and add that wing to the imperial shack once more loot comes in from Exxon and Philip Morris.
I pledge allegiance to the overalls of the United Person of Herb. And to the Herb for which it stands, one Herb, under Herb, indivisible, with liberty, and justice, and premium imported beer, for Herb.
posted by JohnR at
3:36 PM
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